The Lighter Side Of Finding An Alabama Head Coach

I'm not gonna post what I seriously think are candidates for the Alabama Football Head Coach. But over the week I came up with some "what if" possibilities.

NOW for my (un)credible sources regarding coaching possibilities:

Bill Belicheck: When contacted today he was interested ONLY if he could bring Tom Brady with him to quarterback. Also, Alabama would have to add to their approved apparel line a gray hooded sweatshirt in both the normal and cutoff versions. Problem may come up when he cuts Prothro & over half of the team because he they are not interchangable parts that can play multiple positions.

Payton Manning: He showed great interest based on the fact that he can do a better job selling Golden Flake potato chips than Shula. Also, he can coach up those Quarterbacks to be unbeatable until the SEC Championship/Bowl Games arrives.

Frank Solich: Extremely interested to get back to a major school after being sent from Nebraska. Unfortunately he doesn't remember if a ball is thrown with laces up or on the palm. At least if he gets another DUI then he knows Bama wont be as concerned as they for beating their rivals.. something he was actually good at.

Bill Callahan: Not interested. Besides the Junior colleges around here suck and he couldn't find another Zac Taylor among them. Besides he likes that "Sea of Red" song that he plays everyday in his office and doesn't think Bama could come up with cheesier lyrics.

Paul "Bear" Bryant's Remains Sources say that if UAB balm specialists work 24/7, they can bring a soulless Bear back to life. Speculation however is that even though his soulless body and pale complexion would offer infinitly better possibilities than Shula, they could not possibly protect him adequately in his zombie walks down the strip at 6AM.

Tommy Tuberville: He likes to gamble.. but definitely not against himself. Besides, it would be difficult for him to get used to raising a lonely finger that wasn't a thumb.

Mark Mangino: Very interested however sources say that he wont fit on the plane back to Tuscaloosa, so this is a no-go. Of course he would be a coach which required long-term commitment since Bama would probably lose to the same opponent for 42 years straight only to say there was progress when he finally won the 43rd time.

Pete Carroll: No chance here. Besides he's already coaching a Pro football team it seems and the fact that Alabama has no Heisman winners looms as bad news since he expects every QB he coaches to win one.

Gary Barnett: Sources say he might be interested but that Bama better be ready for a woman to kick field goals.

Sylvester Croom: No phone call mention, no email, not even a mention.. yet he was waiting in the reception immediately after Shula was fired. Sources say he is a great choice if all other Division 1, 2 & 3, high school, pee wee and teeball league coaches are unavailable.

Larry Coker: Sources say he might can do some good but unfortunately his ability to retain players is low due to players leaving to transfer, go to the NFL, go to jail, or just get shot and killed themselves.

Mack Brown: Sources say that he would be sorry for how pathetic a coach Watson Brown is at UAB, so he wouldn't try to make Alabama so dominant.

Jim Tressel: A good fit but is questionable towards his determination that players practice in drycleaned tuxedos and wear it underneath their uniforms so that the program doesn't appear to be "dirty"

Lloyd Carr: Not a great fit since theres only so many people you can say "Shut the fuck up" to that has influence in Alabama.

Rick Probst: Too much publicity. Alabama fooball is a sport for ages 2-120 and doesn't include MTV fans. Besides, he demands so much lock down control that Mal Moore will have to be handcuffed and have a ball and chain in his mouth during press conferences.

General Zod: Although an excellent leader, a national championship would become worthless under his regime since he would have told his Krypton woman assistant coach to blow the other team a kiss prior to the game. Furthermore, if a team survives to play the match, General Zod will misunderstand the midfield kneeldown meant for praying instead of kneeling before Zod.

Terry Bowden: You must be THIS tall to coach at Alabama.

George Bush: Hey, at least if you can't coach, you can still come up with cool new words such as strategery that noone have ever heard of. Besides his prior history tells him.. (jingle) "at the Army National Guard.. you can"

LESSON 11: Being Wrong.. Even When Your Right

Sometimes people do the right things for the wrong reasons and the wrong things for the right reasons. But sometimes, no matter what somebody does, they weren't cut out to be considered "right" in the first place. They may have a personality that doesn't correlate to a decision maker. They could simply be a misfit to the situation. Therefore, doing the right thing even in the right situation is still the same as having done it in the wrong situation to start with.


There you have it.. now back to the coaching search!